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Oprah calls it an “Ahh! moment.”
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Thanks to my good friend Kate for sharing this "mommy moment!"
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I call it the “Oh, that’s what my mother meant moment.”
In 1973, I made the cheerleading squad at Crosby Jr. High School. Back then, kids like me, homely, unpopular and uncool, didn’t make the team. But I did, because, as I like to tell it, I was too good and too loud to be overlooked. My mother never discouraged me from trying out, but her position was one of indifference—or so it seemed so to me. Her reaction when I told her I made the squad: “No, you didn’t. Really?” There was only a bit of a sting, tempered by my excitement at being chosen. But I never forgot it. Had she so little faith in my ability that making the squad was unbelievable to her?
Fast forward to this past weekend when my 16-yea- old daughter, Caroline won first place in a state history competition.
My reaction: “OHMIGOD! I didn’t think you’d win.”
See, now that’s the downside about surprise and candor. I don’t think before I speak. The look on her face…well, let’s just say that at least I taught Caroline restraint and manners and to not to say nasty things to her mother. Somewhere, though, she did learn biting sarcasm.
“Thanks, Mom. Thanks for having faith in me.”
Just shoot me.
I tried to explain but she’d have none of it. I ruined it. Ruined the moment. Why did I say it? Did I not have faith in her? Did I not think her work was good?
The fact is I simply hadn’t thought much about this competition. And as a result, I was completely taken by surprise.
I have no doubt her work was exceptional. I know she worked her butt off doing months of research. I just didn’t get caught up in the competition. I was focused on the work and all she was learning. My involvement was limited to driving her to the Schlesinger Library and to Staples to get tri-folds and ink cartridges and editing the bibliography and discussing possible titles. But I never thought about her winning. And the truth is, I don’t know why.
Was it because I didn’t think she couldn’t cut it? Or was I afraid of the disappointment (mine and hers) if she didn’t win? Or was it because I was simply indifferent?
And then it hit me. That’s what my mother meant.
Could it be that my mother’s remark so many years ago—a comment that followed me my entire life--wasn’t said because she didn’t care? Was it because she didn’t need me to win? I’d like to think it was because she was that proud of me; proud because I had tried; because I had put in the effort; because I was me. She knew winning wasn’t everything. And she just hadn’t thought about it much.
Perhaps my indifference, then, didn’t come from not caring or not having faith in Caroline’s work, after all. Perhaps it was that I was already so incredibly proud of her I didn’t need anymore. Of course, I was thrilled that she won. But to me she was already the winner. Unconditional love as a parent is about not needing those “first place” bragging rights. Awards and titles are just notches in a belt. I’m so proud of my daughter because of who she is and who she is has nothing to do with what’s she won. Parents that need honor rolls and varsity letters and dance invites to prove their kids worth to themselves and to society are setting themselves up for disappointment. Unlike other kids entered into this competition, Caroline wasn’t under pressure to win. I didn’t think to prep my kid, didn’t quiz her on her level of knowledge. I didn’t need to direct her. She was on a roll with or without me.
Or here’s another thought: Maybe I was thinking about the competition because Caroline is truly independent from me and it was her thing, not mine. I was there when she needed me, but I wasn’t working on the project with her.
I explained all of this to Caroline. Pleaded with her to understand that it wasn’t that I didn’t have faith in her. She said she understood, but I’m not convinced. I am sure, though, that someday she’ll have an “Oh, that’s why my mother meant moment,” too.
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by Kristin *
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